For several months now I have not put words to paper, nor picked up a pen, or written anything on my laptop. Despite the times and technology I still go to pen and paper for my deepest thoughts. Sometimes those bleed over into my articles. Looking back over my blog I’ve not written much for 2 years. A year ago I was beaten down so much spiritually that I wanted to break my vow made in December 2003 to never walk out of church or on God again.
I’d been 10 years out of the church at that time. I was pushed and urged back to God by a woman who hungered for spiritual things…but did not desire the corrective actions in her own life that are a necessity in a walk with God. At first I thought she was just a massive control freak, and some of that changed after we married…briefly. Ministry prayed about this with us and to this day, my father knows, as I do, that it was the will of God. I bear no bitterness against Him or that pastor. He’s gone on to his reward for things he did after the fact. I say that without fear of reprisal. It has come to that now….
For two years I have sought shelter in a congregation at the behest of my former district Superintendent, a great man of God that I respect and who I will admit used to intimidate me greatly…until I needed his help and he offered counsel without being judgmental like some in my past. I was directed to ask if I was in good standing and the man he sent me to would only give a politician’s answer and say…You are neither in good standing or bad standing. I don’t know you that well…even with the backing of my district superintendant. Still, I felt God direct me to stay despite his waffling, simply at the guidance of my bishop.
My first visit to his office was a disaster. He spent over an hour making smart-aleck remarks to everything I told him I’d been through and that my family had been through in 30 years in the church. The conversation ended at his office door when he smirked and said, “I really don’t think that your calling is what you think it is.” Oddly I had not told him what I felt my calling was. I told him he came along six years too late for that. I’d been beaten half silly until I accepted it, and afterward it was confirmed by my former pastor and several minister friends…but such is the politics of Pentecostalism.
I told him that I had been ready to walk out of our organization 6 years before and God had dealt with me to stay because he had something for me to do. The pastor immediately smirked again and said, “Yes and it’s been six years and you still haven’t accomplished it!”
Well, It’s almost over. ;) Give it three months, my friend. I am almost out of here!
Four months later Evangelist Freddy Clark prophesied to me for nearly an hour, totally contradicting the smart-aleck remarks spoken to me in that office and reaffirming everything my former pastors and minister friends had spoken over me.
After that meeting, my wife, (now ex-wife) turned to me in the car and said, “What’s wrong with him? All he did to you in there for an hour was gouge and try to insult you. Why was he doing that?”
She’d been in and out of the church most of her life and should have known why, but I explained to her that our previous pastor had already been there before we spoke and I had been warned by the Holy Ghost not to mention it during our visit no matter how often he attempted to direct the conversation in that direction.
God knows a carnal ambush when he sees it. I’m not being disrespectful. Even great men of God get carnal at times. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes there are dry places. I was told this had been going on for some time and has extended the two years I was here. For whatever reason, God had sent me there and didn’t want me saying anything, just passively waiting.
For the children of Israel shall abide many days without a king, and without a prince, and without a sacrifice, and without an image, and without an ephod, and without teraphim:
Afterward shall the children of Israel return, and seek the LORD their God, and David their king; and shall fear the LORD and his goodness in the latter days. Hosea 3: 4-5
There are times when you walk through dry places. In my case this was a really dry place for two years. I often got words from saints in the church, my personal time and bible reading alone with God, or visiting ministers and missionaries, but most of the time I sat before a man who despite the leading of the Spirit to preach, tried to force God to let him teach every time he got in the pulpit. He tore into my wife the very next visit, prying into things she had not even told me about, and uncovering bitterness at ministry in her past, rebellion, hatred of her former pastor…I kept being a buffer and interjecting comments to keep him from being spiritually abusive, but I knew what he was doing. Afterwards he denied that he was deliberately gouging her wounds, and even as I write this I realized what he was doing…he was trying to get her goat or mine so we would leave…without telling us directly to get out.
Three months later my wife had endured three miscarriages, gone into adultery and took off. She did not trust the pastor after that incident and we never had our third and final visit. That will be the day I leave. There were many times I came into church hurting after my wife left and we went to court, but there was only one time pastor ever approached me before the church and asked them to pray for me. For the rest of the two years he completely ignored me, even emails and calls. I know when I’m black-balled. I went into two extended fasts and asked God to tie his building fund and new building to my situation and for 2 years it has not budged. The buyer for their old building backed out of their contract and it has not budged an inch, but then again neither has the pastor, so go figure. J
There are times I can enjoy good Godly teaching, but I also knew I needed anointed preaching and there were times I’d walk in and the joking would start in the pulpit and I’d feel the anointing backing away and I’d stomp my foot and pray, “God, I’m tired of the preachers family comedy routine every night in the pulpit followed by a dry morsel. Rebuke him for his folly in the pulpit and either he speaks as the oracles of God or silence him!”
He turned red as a beet and shook himself in the pulpit as the anointing hit him and he began to preach everything I was feeling in my spirit. It reminded me of a big Duroc hog we raised as kids shaking himself from sleep. He bellowed and stomped up and down on the platform and even said he didn’t know what had come over him.
I have blogged about wanting to walk out of that church in the past and a tongues and interpretation and then a prophesy came forth immediately, saying not to leave, not to walk out. I endured for a year more, going into several extended fasts that pretty much whittled me down to nothing. I visited camps out of state and minister friends of mine helped me and gave me guidance advice and encouragement.
My parents visited several times, seeing the same things in the services and more. Bro. Clark had prophesied over me that (just like my father) nothing would ever be hidden from me when I walk into a congregation anywhere, that the skeletons will immediately fall out of the closet and no one, not even the ministry will be able to hide anything. My father had often used the skeleton analogy and I laughed when Bro. Clark told me this. He then told me not to seek membership or licensing where I was at. He said I needed to be free to speak what God gave me and if I took a membership, position or office they would control me. He told me I didn’t need their pulpit and when God gave me a message that all I’d have to do is walk into the congregation and they would have to preach it…and yes, that works very well.
Recently I started sliding back, not attending services. But God has a sense of humor. I met a young woman who said she wanted a closer walk with God and I was in a quandary just as Bro. Clark had prophesied over me, because I was running out of churches in my area to take or send new converts to. I visited one local minister but knew he was a charismatic cowboy and didn’t preach it straight down the line.
I eventually took her to church where God told me to attend after several weeks of attending with her at various places she wanted to try out. I finally told her I couldn’t. I would starve to death spiritually. Our first visit they did to her what they do to me…look right through her and ignored her. I’m not bitter about this. It actually works for me. If he ignores me he’s fine and I’m fine. God is the judge.
Still Sharon told me she wanted spiritual leadership and she was looking to me for this and pushing me back toward God at the same time, something I had prayed about for many years. Criticize me if you wish, but I’d already fallen deeply in love with this young woman, who was unlike anyone I have ever known. She still has a hard time accepting this because of past hurts and abandonment issues. It doesn’t make it any less true. I put this out there even knowing that some would criticize me for it.
That week the pastor actually sent me an email…replying to an email that he told me he had not received…about whether a man who shoves someone into a shark tank or pool of piranhas is guilty, or the other two men standing by with life rings and ropes who could pull him out..but don’t. He had told me once that he did not get my email and to resend it. I did and he never replied to it either. When he replied to me it was from my first email…the one he told me he never received…I’ll let that sink in for awhile.
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7
I told him the young lady’s perceptions and the pastor immediately made an effort to recognize her next service. I’m very protective of my new converts. For over 30 years in the church I’ve had all my lambs slaughtered by saints and ministers alike who did not want to take them under their wings or who thought they weren’t their flavor. I determined this would not happen to Sharon. Two services later she had been filled with the Holy Ghost and baptized in Jesus name. Thanks Sis. Kitty and Bro. Morado! The problem was she was getting ready to take leave then head to a few months of school and then head to Afghanistan on deployment with the US Navy.
My quandary from day one since meeting Sharon was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to spook her and I knew that there were things bothering her and things that had happened to her in her life that she needed healing from. God has always sent hurting people to me and I’ve done my best to help them. Some of you are my best friends to this day and I pray I have honored your friendship while helping you with a Word when you needed encouragement, even as you have me. Some of you are in prophetic ministry. Others of you are prophetic intercessors and prayer warriors. I cherish you all.
Most of you know what I endured in Florida. No need to go over an old lessons-learned, but this time God dropped someone very special in my life, someone tender-hearted, sensitive to God and gentle with a passion and hunger for the things of God. Unwittingly I touched an open wound in her spirit and since that time I’ve been on damage control, staying in prayer and fasting for her. Shortly after she received the Holy Ghost I spoke to her about God wanting to heal her wounded spirit. She instantly shut herself off and I knew I was in trouble. I took her home angry, and immediately called my father and told him all that had happened.
He chided me for forgetting that people who come to God and get the Holy Ghost don’t always get an immediate healing. I knew this but my desire to see her made whole completely over-rode my common sense in thinking she would trust me with her wound. Obviously she did not. I told dad about the weight in my chest and how I felt there would be a prophecy, or tongues message to her the next day in church. Pastor preached the next morning and as soon as he finished, one of our associate pastors cut loose in a powerful prophecy that said pretty much the same thing I had said the day before. I felt it hit, said as much and turned to her and told her, “This is for you, Sharon.”
Big mistake…She shut me off again and it made things worse. My father told her on the way home that I had told him it was coming the day before, but I’m pretty sure she knew anyway. He told me later to just back away and let her soak for awhile, that when the Word of God goes forth, it gets where it needs to go. He began to encourage me to back off a bit and let her learn and get into the Word and under the anointed preaching.
For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Hebrews 4:12
Pastor Arnold use to tell us that the most frustrating thing we know about God is the things we know he is capable of…but does not do. I knew Sharon was promised a healing, but I’ve dealt with so many who had been prophesied similar things and eventually threw the promises of God away. I never told her all the frustrations I dealt with. Helping people has always been my hunger, but also very frustrating. She admits to having a hurt, but I know it is something only God can heal.
I took a strong rebuke in the Holy Ghost when I visited my current district superintendant’s church almost 50 miles away 3-4 weeks ago and he got up to do a baby dedication and instead ripped into me for not having faith but FEAR! God had already promised me everything would be alright in our situation, but here I was fretting like a new mom with a colicky, feverish baby. I had already placed the situation with Sharon on the altar and like so many of us do…went and picked it up again, put it back again, picked it up again, put it back on the altar again. He may not have known who he was preaching too, but I sat there repenting the entire time he was blasting away…and afterward he told us that was the polite version. (That’s my line!) God has a sense of humor.
Even though she was in full-blown “fight or flight” mode, God had dealt with me through the ministry over the pulpit that everything was going to be okay between us. As Bishop said, the problem is we don’t trust God when he speaks to us. He said, “You can’t have fear and faith. They can’t live in the same house.” This was baby food!
Here I was a 30 year Christian choking on milk. Someone mind burping me? Just don’t hit so hard!
I was in contact with friends and family members, God revealed some things I had not known in the situation, and eventually I got a grasp on everything, the big picture if you will. I knew I was dealing with someone hurting, indecisive, unable to trust, fear of abandonment and rejection if anyone “knew” what they were really going through inside, fear that my feelings for them were not real.
God spoke so clearly to me from the ministry that night and said, Love her anyway! Don’t walk out on her. Love like I loved you when you were going through hell on earth and didn’t know which way to turn. Love like I loved you when you were confused. Love like I loved you when you were abandoned. Love like I loved you when you were lonely. Love like I loved you when you were hurting. Love like I loved you when you didn’t love me in return!
The very next conversation with my father and with Alex, a friend of hers, they both repeated what came over the pulpit…”Love her, Give. Don’t expect anything in return. Love like Christ.”
Things continued to spiral out of control. Nothing I said seemed to get through, or got twisted out of context. Alex would check with me to make sure things he was told wasn’t true. I’d open up and tell him what was said, prayed, written. Good man. Great listener. Not Spirit filled yet, but I believe for him.
I’d spoken to a therapist friend of mine during all the confusions and she had confirmed what I was going through. It’s funny when people who don’t have the Holy Ghost confirm what God says to you from his word or from the ministry. I’ve even had it happen in a courtroom! In this case it happened repeatedly and I got a great testimony in to this woman. She knows people, but I know the God of the whole earth! Is anything too hard for God?
When telling her about her field as opposed to what our pastor referred to as “dual consciousness,” living in this world…but walking in the Spirit she was deeply interested and when I told her about speaking in other tongues she perked up and wants to visit the church and see and experience it for herself. She told me even though she doesn’t go to church, that as a therapist she’s had patience describe angelic and satanic visitation in such detail that she knows they aren’t lying!
Yes, I’m reaching for everyone I can possibly reach before God yanks me out of here!
My greatest quandary right now is not backing away as she instructed me to do…cut and run…but to do as admonished by the ministry and take a non-aggressive stance, passive, as Alex said, and my father, and wait for her to come around. Days of silent treatment don’t hurt me anymore. I had asked God to shield my heart and protect my spirit from wounding, and those days I throw myself into prayer and fasting and study…and I’ve been given more details into the entire situation. God doesn’t leave you walking blind. When you need wisdom, you ask for it! God only knows I need wisdom this time in my life.
Proverbs 2:1-11
[1] My son, if thou wilt receive my words, and hide my commandments with thee;
[2] So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;
[3] Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding;
[4] If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures;
[5] Then shalt thou understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God.
[6] For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.
[7] He layeth up sound wisdom for the righteous: he is a buckler to them that walk uprightly.
[8] He keepeth the paths of judgment, and preserveth the way of his saints.
[9] Then shalt thou understand righteousness, and judgment, and equity; yea, every good path.
[10] When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul;
[11] Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee:
Last night while laying in bed I was reading the bible on my phone, and put in an old message from Evangelist Eli Hernandez, an old prophet of God who has blessed me many times in the past and spoken a word over me when coming out of my personal hell several years ago.
His message hit me like a tidal wave as he spoke on Adversity and said that when things start shaking around us and God starts getting ready to do something mighty for us, that the devil starts attacking. Understand that when the devil attacks it’s because he is scared. He’s afraid of something you are about to do. I told Sharon this exact same thing 3 weeks ago and she told me she didn’t believe it. The message confirmed this to me as instruction was given to pray God would dispatch angels to our loved ones. Send them to protect. Send them to direct. Send them to heal. Send them to reveal…all according to the will of God, not our will. That’s always where we choke, because God’s will never seems to run identical to our will!
I prayed and I asked God to dispatch angels. I asked God to send her three angels, a warrior angel to fight for and protect her, a messenger angel to direct her, guide her and speak to her, and a ministering angel to provide comfort and heal her hurt.
But to which of the angels said he at any time, Sit on my right hand, until I make thine enemies thy footstool? Are they not all ministering spirits, sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation? Hebrews 1:13-14
The only thing left would have been a “worship angel” but they all fell with Lucifer. That’s where we come in…perfecting praise to take his place as vessels of worship to the Almighty. No wonder the enemy hates us so much!
Bro. Hernandez said you can always tell when someone believes the message…they start seeing results! Last night, I believed the message! ALS
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