This Kind

This Kind

In over 31 years of walking with God, I’ve encountered things as most Christians have that totally baffle them. Like most Christians my life and my walk with God had the typical ups and downs. Unlike most Christians though, I refuse to gloss things over and I think that that fact alone has been the saving grace of my walk with God. Integrity with one’s self is a prerequisite to being honest with God and your fellow man. I don’t say that with any pride either. Those who know me best know the things I’ve lived through, the embarrassments, humiliations, mistakes…and my losses.

Paul gave a list of the things he endured from the time Christ put him on his face on the road to Damascus, things he endured for the Truth, but also things he endured at the hands of nature and even false brothers in the church. Gloss it over all we want to, that still happens today. I think we have robbed Pentecost of the power of our testimony by trying to make everything politically correct and to protect offices and positions that do not need protecting.

We’ve been so dishonest with ourselves as a movement, hidden things…or tried to hide them…from the saints in the body of Christ that it is no wonder we have lost so many to attrition over the years, only to see them raise up websites and name names and list incidents where our people, our ministers and our organizations have acted with less than the dignity of a Christian in most cases, and in some simply defied the ordnances and principles of the Word of God. God have mercy on us as a movement who has truth…but who walk in such a dishonest fashion! I wonder how long as a movement we will last before God strips us of that truth and moves on to the next group, movement or church organization and reveals the truths of the Word of God to them and totally bypasses us as oneness people like he did the Jews. Don’t think he won’t. There is precedence for it in the word of God!

Paul never glossed anything over for his self or anyone else. He was very humble, but very blunt in his dialogue of all he endured, sparing no one in his dialogue:

Seeing that many glory after the flesh, I will glory also. For ye suffer fools gladly, seeing ye yourselves are wise. For ye suffer, if a man bring you into bondage, if a man devour you, if a man take of you, if a man exalt himself, if a man smite you on the face. I speak as concerning reproach, as though we had been weak. Howbeit whereinsoever any is bold, (I speak foolishly,) I am bold also. Are they Hebrews? so am I. Are they Israelites? so am I. Are they the seed of Abraham? so am I. Are they ministers of Christ? (I speak as a fool) I am more; in labours more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, in deaths oft. Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one. Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep; In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness. Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches. Who is weak, and I am not weak? who is offended, and I burn not? If I must needs glory, I will glory of the things which concern mine infirmities. The God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which is blessed for evermore, knoweth that I lie not. In Damascus the governor under Aretas the king kept the city of the Damascenes with a garrison, desirous to apprehend me: And through a window in a basket was I let down by the wall, and escaped his hands. 2 Corinthians 11:18-33

Paul went on to talk about the visions and revelations he had received of God, but despite all his reproaches and the things he endured, he came down several verses in Chapter 12:10-11 and said.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me: for I ought to have been commended of you: for in nothing am I behind the very chiefest apostles, though I be nothing.

In the face of all he had accomplished for God, and in the face of all he had endured carrying the Gospel, he announced to the world that he was nothing! God help us to have the same humility! I look back over all I’ve gone through, and what God brought me out of and the firestorms that I’ve lived through and have to realize that all the times I was on my face weeping over hurts, fears, losses, he was molding and shaping my life, my walk and the ministry he called me to. How must Paul have felt at times like these. In looking back he doesn’t tell about his personal feelings during these times. We see the mind of Christ in him though, the thought process we have to have to effectively minister to the hurting, bruised and broken in this hour.

And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. 2 Corinthians 12:15

He understood that in ministering to the needs of people that some would never love him. We cannot produce a political elite among us that we somehow figure will be the only ones who will reach this generation. By so doing we have robbed hurting, wounded, broken people of healing and deliverance that Christ said all his believers would do in his name. God never followed the politics of an organization to determine who would and would not accomplish something great for him. He owes no allegiance to the organizational structure of men. He always seeks out a human need.

People who are wounded and need a physician will readily seek out a doctor. Those who cannot bring their selves the humility to admit publicly there is something broken that they cannot fix will always and forever hate and bite the hand that tries to minister to their wounding. Paul knew this unequivocally. Wounds in the body are readily evident. Those in the spirit, soul, emotions and mind are not. Nor can a half-hazard walk with God heal these wounded souls.

And when they were come to the multitude, there came to him a certain man, kneeling down to him, and saying, Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water. And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him. Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me. And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour. Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out? And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting. Matthew 17:14-21

The last 8 years of my life I was in a massive storm. Unwittingly, the more I thought I knew about it, the less I knew. It wasn’t until the past year that I realized a small part of what God was doing in my life by the things he kept taking me into. I knew that when we fail a test, God will never let us pass on to the next level until we get the revelation of what he is wanting to do in us and we buckled down and actually pass the test, do what he wants us to do and fulfill the obedience he wants accomplished in us.

Jesus said that there are some things, some wounds, some conditions that don’t come out except by prayer and fasting. Up until that time his disciples had not fasted and he said so in his word. Christ’s answer was that while he was among them the disciples would not fast, but after he was taken away, they would. Prayer and fasting is the bedrock doctrine of the Apostolic church. We aren’t debating the New Birth here. You don’t get into the Apostolic church without the New Birth…but once you are born again of water and spirit there is one thing that we are lacking in…prayer and fasting!

In 30 years I’ve been in more churches than I can count off hand…but of those I can count on one hand the number of those churches who were given to fasting and prayer. When you walk into a church like that, you know it. You know when someone has reached past the hands of God and reached up to touch his face. If you don’t understand that statement, then pray and fast until you do.

The disciples had been sent out by twos into the nation and had cast out devils, healed the sick, raised the dead, opened blind eyes, made the lame walk…but even with all of that they came back and a man with a boy who was possessed of a certain type of demonic spirit (for the therapists we’ll just say he was clinically insane, suicidal, depressed, epileptic, bi-polar, borderline, multiple-personality disorder, schizophrenic, or whatever disorder you want to label him with). At any rate, the boy couldn’t get any relief and the father who loved his son was tormented. If you don’t think he was, think about raising a child like that!

Buckle up, lock yourself down, strap yourself in and get ready for turbulence. This plane isn’t coming in for a landing any time soon.

You never see in this passage that the child came to Jesus. Whether the child knew he had a problem or not is not recognized in this passage. All the child knew was pain, hurt and trauma from his earliest memory. He didn’t come running recognizing his need and fall down like the maniac of the Gadarenes. The child was nearly completely and totally consumed by what had befallen him from infancy.

It was the father that sought out the ministry, but you see no response from the child. Nothing is noted in scripture other than the fact that they could not cast him out. The ministry didn’t have the goods at that time and moment in history. Sorry, but truth sometimes hurts. We’ve returned to that time as a movement. Our forefathers were men and women of prayer and fasting. They were men and women of sacrifice. They weren’t the most popular show in town. They endured much as Paul did when Pentecost was in its infancy. Yet they had power with God. What have we got?

The father knew the child needed help. He came to the only one that could help him. We are still there today. The disciples were not given to prayer and fasting and for the past 30 years as a movement, neither have we except in limited measure among us. You never see where the disciples had the power even after all their exploits of being sent forth to heal and carry the gospel without purse or scrip, without two coats, without anything that would make them self-sufficient. They were totally and completely dependent on Christ. Today we have multi-million dollar edifices, million dollar homes and Gentiles paying Jewish tithes like they are still under the law…but I regress. That’s another article all together. We aren’t dependent on God for anything. If the entire city we were called to burns up and goes to hell tomorrow, we are fine with that, as long as we live fat, happy and comfortable until we cross over into Glory! Dear God help us….

In this child’s case, he didn’t even have the wherewithal to come to God and seek help himself. It fell to someone who loved him to come running to Jesus and entreat him for someone else. We aren’t quite there as a movement. A check of the world climate tells me we will be soon, whether we want to or not. The earth is groaning because intercessors are not. Earthquakes in Haiti, China, Japan have been prevalent in the news. Tsunamis, mudslides, floods, oil spills and now nuclear contamination are all over our news, but still the church dances along content to give itself to folly, lackluster lifestyles, prayerlessness, no sacrifice, no sincerity, no hunger for souls, not even aware of the times and seasons around us.

The church in the book of Acts turned the world upside down. Our generation prefers to blend in with the world, not raise a fuss or rock the boat.

I was shaken awake to my surroundings recently; due to the love of someone I could not help. I’d won a young woman to God, taken her to a church that preaches truth (few that there be in my area…and don’t attack me for this, it was even prophesied to me by a very well known evangelist in our movement. I’m merely relating fact.) and seen her get baptized in Jesus name and filled with the Holy Ghost…and then my world endured an earthquake.

As I said, honesty and integrity has always been the only saving grace to my walk with God. That integrity would not let me lie, or pretend to be something I’m not, even in the face of rejection by a minister who I love like a father. It would not let me lie to keep the wife I loved in the face of her mental illness, lying to the ministry and fighting a healing from God that was promised her in prophesy by two evangelists. It would not let me lie in court to keep custody of my children in order to counteract lies by my ex-wife, a godless backslider who has blasphemed the Holy Ghost and done spite to the Spirit of Grace. And this time it would not let me lie to keep the woman in my life I had fallen deeply in love with.

I’ve always been one to give people the benefit of the doubt, always looked for hidden godly potential in them, always desired to see them excel and grow and become more than they were. I never considered whether their growth and accomplishments for God would eclipse what I’ve done. It never registered with me. I simply don’t care. It’s not me that counts. It’s Him.

The girl in question is budding with potential. I saw this the first time we met and knew that she was special, yet over time I came to realize a deep-seated wound in her spirit and emotions that she admits to in private but would not admit publically. A prophesy came forth the week after she was filled with the Holy Ghost, declaring that God was going to heal her. I’d told her the same thing the day before. God confirmed his word and from that point on she began a steady withdraw from me. I’ve lived through this at least 5 times in my life. Each time I was told to give myself to prayer and fasting and that a healing would take place. Each time I fell, failed and lost.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled. Do ye look on things after the outward appearance? If any man trust to himself that he is Christ's, let him of himself think this again, that, as he is Christ's, even so are we Christ's. 2 Corinthians 10:3-7

I’ve never doubted the power of our spiritual arsenal. I’ve always known that intercessory prayer was like heavy artillery in the spirit world, able to topple the moste hardened bunkers of demonic and manly opposition. Yet, my pastor spoke on “dual consciousness” a few weeks ago as I’ve mentioned in various blogs I’ve written, but this time it had a deeper meaning to me in my walk with God.

I was repeatedly told over the pulpit to get my eyes off of the things going on around me in the physical by ministers in 3 states and to focus on the Spirit, the things we can’t see. Still, the more I prayed, the more I fasted, the worse the situation looked. It still does…in the physical. Finally I was rebuked for walking in fear and not faith and I knew that there were things I had to do in my life and walk with God. It was time for self-examination at a level I’ve not done in all my years.

The verse that has hounded me from 2 Corinthians 10 for 8 years has been verse 6…”And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.” Am I obedient? Have I submitted every area of my life to God and removed all the “leaven” from my life. A little sin poisons the whole life, much as a little leaven will leaven an entire loaf of bread. Self examination isn’t fun, not if you are honest with yourself and God. It’s crippling us as a movement.

Think I’m blowing smoke? Whatever happened to Old Time Pentecost when someone repented and got right with God and they went to everyone they had hurt, offended and did wrong and apologized and repented to them to? We’ve lost something as a body of believers. Sit and soak in that for a bit. Don’t get out until you are pruning….

I’ve been soul searching, clearing out things in my home, my life, my heart…I don’t even care if they aren’t sins if they are weights or things that hinder my walk with God, they have to GO! If they are things that hinder my prayer life, they have to go. If they are things that hinder my bible reading, they have to go. Are there friendships that aren’t producing fruit to win souls? They have to go. Lifestyles? Have to go. Do I have ambitions that aren’t in alignment with the word of God? They have to go. Are my life-goals in accordance to God’s will? I have to pray about this. How about my diet? Am I pleasing to God in the things I am taking in? Or do my habits encourage fasting and sacrifice? Does my fasting follow biblical principles? (I’ll get on this soon. Just hang on.) This area needed looked into.

I started with the refrigerator then moved on to my computer, my music, my games and my home. Anything that is a distraction has to go…a permanent partial fast from frivolity.

I’ve begun a fast and my closest friends know that it is common place with me. It’s something God has given me the ability to do. I will not go into details. If you don’t know me well enough to know, then maybe it’s something you should inquire about. I found out from Evangelist Keith Clark many years ago that there is a difference between fasting and being anointed to fast. When God anoints you to do something, it’s kind of like Sampson…even the jaw-bone of an ass can be a mighty weapon.

All the years of having friends with mental and emotional wounds came to a head recently and although I’ve tried to ignore the nudge of the Spirit to shut the door, push away the plate, plant my face in the carpet and give myself to fasting and prayer for…a season…can no longer be ignored. In this case I have two friends in particular dealing with the same infirmity. One admits it under duress. The other will only admit it in private in generalization but denies anything specific. Here is what has hamstrung me for 8 years:

This is the fast he will never hear or look on!

Wherefore have we fasted, say they, and thou seest not? wherefore have we afflicted our soul, and thou takest no knowledge? Behold, in the day of your fast ye find pleasure, and exact all your labours. Behold, ye fast for strife and debate, and to smite with the fist of wickedness: ye shall not fast as ye do this day, to make your voice to be heard on high. Isaiah 58:3-4

This is the fast that God will recognize:

Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow down his head as a bulrush, and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him? wilt thou call this a fast, and an acceptable day to the LORD? Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke? Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house? when thou seest the naked, that thou cover him; and that thou hide not thyself from thine own flesh?

And this is what he will do for the person who humbles their self in the fast he has called for:

Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the LORD shall be thy rereward. Then shalt thou call, and the LORD shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If thou take away from the midst of thee the yoke, the putting forth of the finger, and speaking vanity; And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noonday: And the LORD shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not. And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in. Isaiah 58:3-12

I’m not sure when I will blog again. I’m not sure what the Lord will answer me. I only know that I must do what I’ve been directed of the Holy Ghost in prayer and from the Word. Please keep me in prayer.

Sharon told me recently to make sure I remembered a sermon preached recently about being pruned. Some trees don’t bloom for several years after being pruned. Now it’s time. Thank you, Sharon.

The Warrior, the Messenger and the Minstrel

For several months now I have not put words to paper, nor picked up a pen, or written anything on my laptop. Despite the times and technology I still go to pen and paper for my deepest thoughts. Sometimes those bleed over into my articles. Looking back over my blog I’ve not written much for 2 years. A year ago I was beaten down so much spiritually that I wanted to break my vow made in December 2003 to never walk out of church or on God again.

I’d been 10 years out of the church at that time. I was pushed and urged back to God by a woman who hungered for spiritual things…but did not desire the corrective actions in her own life that are a necessity in a walk with God. At first I thought she was just a massive control freak, and some of that changed after we married…briefly. Ministry prayed about this with us and to this day, my father knows, as I do, that it was the will of God. I bear no bitterness against Him or that pastor. He’s gone on to his reward for things he did after the fact. I say that without fear of reprisal. It has come to that now….

For two years I have sought shelter in a congregation at the behest of my former district Superintendent, a great man of God that I respect and who I will admit used to intimidate me greatly…until I needed his help and he offered counsel without being judgmental like some in my past. I was directed to ask if I was in good standing and the man he sent me to would only give a politician’s answer and say…You are neither in good standing or bad standing. I don’t know you that well…even with the backing of my district superintendant. Still, I felt God direct me to stay despite his waffling, simply at the guidance of my bishop.

My first visit to his office was a disaster. He spent over an hour making smart-aleck remarks to everything I told him I’d been through and that my family had been through in 30 years in the church. The conversation ended at his office door when he smirked and said, “I really don’t think that your calling is what you think it is.” Oddly I had not told him what I felt my calling was. I told him he came along six years too late for that. I’d been beaten half silly until I accepted it, and afterward it was confirmed by my former pastor and several minister friends…but such is the politics of Pentecostalism.

I told him that I had been ready to walk out of our organization 6 years before and God had dealt with me to stay because he had something for me to do. The pastor immediately smirked again and said, “Yes and it’s been six years and you still haven’t accomplished it!”

Well, It’s almost over. ;) Give it three months, my friend. I am almost out of here!

Four months later Evangelist Freddy Clark prophesied to me for nearly an hour, totally contradicting the smart-aleck remarks spoken to me in that office and reaffirming everything my former pastors and minister friends had spoken over me.

After that meeting, my wife, (now ex-wife) turned to me in the car and said, “What’s wrong with him? All he did to you in there for an hour was gouge and try to insult you. Why was he doing that?”

She’d been in and out of the church most of her life and should have known why, but I explained to her that our previous pastor had already been there before we spoke and I had been warned by the Holy Ghost not to mention it during our visit no matter how often he attempted to direct the conversation in that direction.

God knows a carnal ambush when he sees it. I’m not being disrespectful. Even great men of God get carnal at times. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes there are dry places. I was told this had been going on for some time and has extended the two years I was here. For whatever reason, God had sent me there and didn’t want me saying anything, just passively waiting.

For the children of Israel shall abide many days without a king, and without a prince, and without a sacrifice, and without an image, and without an ephod, and without teraphim:
Afterward shall the children of Israel return, and seek the LORD their God, and David their king; and shall fear the LORD and his goodness in the latter days. Hosea 3: 4-5

There are times when you walk through dry places. In my case this was a really dry place for two years. I often got words from saints in the church, my personal time and bible reading alone with God, or visiting ministers and missionaries, but most of the time I sat before a man who despite the leading of the Spirit to preach, tried to force God to let him teach every time he got in the pulpit. He tore into my wife the very next visit, prying into things she had not even told me about, and uncovering bitterness at ministry in her past, rebellion, hatred of her former pastor…I kept being a buffer and interjecting comments to keep him from being spiritually abusive, but I knew what he was doing. Afterwards he denied that he was deliberately gouging her wounds, and even as I write this I realized what he was doing…he was trying to get her goat or mine so we would leave…without telling us directly to get out.

Three months later my wife had endured three miscarriages, gone into adultery and took off. She did not trust the pastor after that incident and we never had our third and final visit. That will be the day I leave. There were many times I came into church hurting after my wife left and we went to court, but there was only one time pastor ever approached me before the church and asked them to pray for me. For the rest of the two years he completely ignored me, even emails and calls. I know when I’m black-balled. I went into two extended fasts and asked God to tie his building fund and new building to my situation and for 2 years it has not budged. The buyer for their old building backed out of their contract and it has not budged an inch, but then again neither has the pastor, so go figure. J

There are times I can enjoy good Godly teaching, but I also knew I needed anointed preaching and there were times I’d walk in and the joking would start in the pulpit and I’d feel the anointing backing away and I’d stomp my foot and pray, “God, I’m tired of the preachers family comedy routine every night in the pulpit followed by a dry morsel. Rebuke him for his folly in the pulpit and either he speaks as the oracles of God or silence him!”

He turned red as a beet and shook himself in the pulpit as the anointing hit him and he began to preach everything I was feeling in my spirit. It reminded me of a big Duroc hog we raised as kids shaking himself from sleep. He bellowed and stomped up and down on the platform and even said he didn’t know what had come over him.

I have blogged about wanting to walk out of that church in the past and a tongues and interpretation and then a prophesy came forth immediately, saying not to leave, not to walk out. I endured for a year more, going into several extended fasts that pretty much whittled me down to nothing. I visited camps out of state and minister friends of mine helped me and gave me guidance advice and encouragement.

My parents visited several times, seeing the same things in the services and more. Bro. Clark had prophesied over me that (just like my father) nothing would ever be hidden from me when I walk into a congregation anywhere, that the skeletons will immediately fall out of the closet and no one, not even the ministry will be able to hide anything. My father had often used the skeleton analogy and I laughed when Bro. Clark told me this. He then told me not to seek membership or licensing where I was at. He said I needed to be free to speak what God gave me and if I took a membership, position or office they would control me. He told me I didn’t need their pulpit and when God gave me a message that all I’d have to do is walk into the congregation and they would have to preach it…and yes, that works very well.

Recently I started sliding back, not attending services. But God has a sense of humor. I met a young woman who said she wanted a closer walk with God and I was in a quandary just as Bro. Clark had prophesied over me, because I was running out of churches in my area to take or send new converts to. I visited one local minister but knew he was a charismatic cowboy and didn’t preach it straight down the line.

I eventually took her to church where God told me to attend after several weeks of attending with her at various places she wanted to try out. I finally told her I couldn’t. I would starve to death spiritually. Our first visit they did to her what they do to me…look right through her and ignored her. I’m not bitter about this. It actually works for me. If he ignores me he’s fine and I’m fine. God is the judge.

Still Sharon told me she wanted spiritual leadership and she was looking to me for this and pushing me back toward God at the same time, something I had prayed about for many years. Criticize me if you wish, but I’d already fallen deeply in love with this young woman, who was unlike anyone I have ever known. She still has a hard time accepting this because of past hurts and abandonment issues. It doesn’t make it any less true. I put this out there even knowing that some would criticize me for it.

That week the pastor actually sent me an email…replying to an email that he told me he had not received…about whether a man who shoves someone into a shark tank or pool of piranhas is guilty, or the other two men standing by with life rings and ropes who could pull him out..but don’t. He had told me once that he did not get my email and to resend it. I did and he never replied to it either. When he replied to me it was from my first email…the one he told me he never received…I’ll let that sink in for awhile.

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. Galatians 6:7

I told him the young lady’s perceptions and the pastor immediately made an effort to recognize her next service. I’m very protective of my new converts. For over 30 years in the church I’ve had all my lambs slaughtered by saints and ministers alike who did not want to take them under their wings or who thought they weren’t their flavor. I determined this would not happen to Sharon. Two services later she had been filled with the Holy Ghost and baptized in Jesus name. Thanks Sis. Kitty and Bro. Morado! The problem was she was getting ready to take leave then head to a few months of school and then head to Afghanistan on deployment with the US Navy.

My quandary from day one since meeting Sharon was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to spook her and I knew that there were things bothering her and things that had happened to her in her life that she needed healing from. God has always sent hurting people to me and I’ve done my best to help them. Some of you are my best friends to this day and I pray I have honored your friendship while helping you with a Word when you needed encouragement, even as you have me. Some of you are in prophetic ministry. Others of you are prophetic intercessors and prayer warriors. I cherish you all.

Most of you know what I endured in Florida. No need to go over an old lessons-learned, but this time God dropped someone very special in my life, someone tender-hearted, sensitive to God and gentle with a passion and hunger for the things of God. Unwittingly I touched an open wound in her spirit and since that time I’ve been on damage control, staying in prayer and fasting for her. Shortly after she received the Holy Ghost I spoke to her about God wanting to heal her wounded spirit. She instantly shut herself off and I knew I was in trouble. I took her home angry, and immediately called my father and told him all that had happened.

He chided me for forgetting that people who come to God and get the Holy Ghost don’t always get an immediate healing. I knew this but my desire to see her made whole completely over-rode my common sense in thinking she would trust me with her wound. Obviously she did not. I told dad about the weight in my chest and how I felt there would be a prophecy, or tongues message to her the next day in church. Pastor preached the next morning and as soon as he finished, one of our associate pastors cut loose in a powerful prophecy that said pretty much the same thing I had said the day before. I felt it hit, said as much and turned to her and told her, “This is for you, Sharon.”

Big mistake…She shut me off again and it made things worse. My father told her on the way home that I had told him it was coming the day before, but I’m pretty sure she knew anyway. He told me later to just back away and let her soak for awhile, that when the Word of God goes forth, it gets where it needs to go. He began to encourage me to back off a bit and let her learn and get into the Word and under the anointed preaching.

For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

Pastor Arnold use to tell us that the most frustrating thing we know about God is the things we know he is capable of…but does not do. I knew Sharon was promised a healing, but I’ve dealt with so many who had been prophesied similar things and eventually threw the promises of God away. I never told her all the frustrations I dealt with. Helping people has always been my hunger, but also very frustrating. She admits to having a hurt, but I know it is something only God can heal.

I took a strong rebuke in the Holy Ghost when I visited my current district superintendant’s church almost 50 miles away 3-4 weeks ago and he got up to do a baby dedication and instead ripped into me for not having faith but FEAR! God had already promised me everything would be alright in our situation, but here I was fretting like a new mom with a colicky, feverish baby. I had already placed the situation with Sharon on the altar and like so many of us do…went and picked it up again, put it back again, picked it up again, put it back on the altar again. He may not have known who he was preaching too, but I sat there repenting the entire time he was blasting away…and afterward he told us that was the polite version. (That’s my line!) God has a sense of humor.

Even though she was in full-blown “fight or flight” mode, God had dealt with me through the ministry over the pulpit that everything was going to be okay between us. As Bishop said, the problem is we don’t trust God when he speaks to us. He said, “You can’t have fear and faith. They can’t live in the same house.” This was baby food!

Here I was a 30 year Christian choking on milk. Someone mind burping me? Just don’t hit so hard!

I was in contact with friends and family members, God revealed some things I had not known in the situation, and eventually I got a grasp on everything, the big picture if you will. I knew I was dealing with someone hurting, indecisive, unable to trust, fear of abandonment and rejection if anyone “knew” what they were really going through inside, fear that my feelings for them were not real.

God spoke so clearly to me from the ministry that night and said, Love her anyway! Don’t walk out on her. Love like I loved you when you were going through hell on earth and didn’t know which way to turn. Love like I loved you when you were confused. Love like I loved you when you were abandoned. Love like I loved you when you were lonely. Love like I loved you when you were hurting. Love like I loved you when you didn’t love me in return!

The very next conversation with my father and with Alex, a friend of hers, they both repeated what came over the pulpit…”Love her, Give. Don’t expect anything in return. Love like Christ.”

Things continued to spiral out of control. Nothing I said seemed to get through, or got twisted out of context. Alex would check with me to make sure things he was told wasn’t true. I’d open up and tell him what was said, prayed, written. Good man. Great listener. Not Spirit filled yet, but I believe for him.

I’d spoken to a therapist friend of mine during all the confusions and she had confirmed what I was going through. It’s funny when people who don’t have the Holy Ghost confirm what God says to you from his word or from the ministry. I’ve even had it happen in a courtroom! In this case it happened repeatedly and I got a great testimony in to this woman. She knows people, but I know the God of the whole earth! Is anything too hard for God?

When telling her about her field as opposed to what our pastor referred to as “dual consciousness,” living in this world…but walking in the Spirit she was deeply interested and when I told her about speaking in other tongues she perked up and wants to visit the church and see and experience it for herself. She told me even though she doesn’t go to church, that as a therapist she’s had patience describe angelic and satanic visitation in such detail that she knows they aren’t lying!

Yes, I’m reaching for everyone I can possibly reach before God yanks me out of here!

My greatest quandary right now is not backing away as she instructed me to do…cut and run…but to do as admonished by the ministry and take a non-aggressive stance, passive, as Alex said, and my father, and wait for her to come around. Days of silent treatment don’t hurt me anymore. I had asked God to shield my heart and protect my spirit from wounding, and those days I throw myself into prayer and fasting and study…and I’ve been given more details into the entire situation. God doesn’t leave you walking blind. When you need wisdom, you ask for it! God only knows I need wisdom this time in my life.

Proverbs 2:1-11

[1] My son, if thou wilt receive my words, and hide my commandments with thee;
[2] So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding;
[3] Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding;
[4] If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures;
[5] Then shalt thou understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God.
[6] For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.
[7] He layeth up sound wisdom for the righteous: he is a buckler to them that walk uprightly.
[8] He keepeth the paths of judgment, and preserveth the way of his saints.
[9] Then shalt thou understand righteousness, and judgment, and equity; yea, every good path.
[10] When wisdom entereth into thine heart, and knowledge is pleasant unto thy soul;
[11] Discretion shall preserve thee, understanding shall keep thee:

Last night while laying in bed I was reading the bible on my phone, and put in an old message from Evangelist Eli Hernandez, an old prophet of God who has blessed me many times in the past and spoken a word over me when coming out of my personal hell several years ago.

His message hit me like a tidal wave as he spoke on Adversity and said that when things start shaking around us and God starts getting ready to do something mighty for us, that the devil starts attacking. Understand that when the devil attacks it’s because he is scared. He’s afraid of something you are about to do. I told Sharon this exact same thing 3 weeks ago and she told me she didn’t believe it. The message confirmed this to me as instruction was given to pray God would dispatch angels to our loved ones. Send them to protect. Send them to direct. Send them to heal. Send them to reveal…all according to the will of God, not our will. That’s always where we choke, because God’s will never seems to run identical to our will!

I prayed and I asked God to dispatch angels. I asked God to send her three angels, a warrior angel to fight for and protect her, a messenger angel to direct her, guide her and speak to her, and a ministering angel to provide comfort and heal her hurt.

But to which of the angels said he at any time, Sit on my right hand, until I make thine enemies thy footstool? Are they not all ministering spirits, sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation? Hebrews 1:13-14

The only thing left would have been a “worship angel” but they all fell with Lucifer. That’s where we come in…perfecting praise to take his place as vessels of worship to the Almighty. No wonder the enemy hates us so much!

Bro. Hernandez said you can always tell when someone believes the message…they start seeing results! Last night, I believed the message! ALS